India Journal: Facing the Fear
As the years have passed, it has become easier to find the humor, but as you can imagine, laughter was in short supply in the days leading up to my departure. With each step closer to my adventure tensions grew. Why would I sell my charming apartment? How much was it costing to store my belongings? Why would I take a leave from my job? To my friends, family and colleagues my decision seemed increasing out of character…and, I believe called into question decisions each individual had made in their own lives.
While uncomfortable, the conversations that ensued were the deepest, most real and honest exchanges I have ever had in my life. Nothing was left unsaid, as I sought to clarify for myself and others why I was going. I was stepping outside of my life to get quiet enough to hear myself; to take away the comfort and distraction that allowed me to avoid listening; to become a student of myself; to bring ‘me’ into my life. To learn who I wanted to become and to start building her.
The more I talked about it, the more things started to fall into place. I found cohorts in the most unlikely of places. A random encounter with a bank employee garnered an offer for a home cooked meal in Delhi, an invitation to visit Pakistan from a kind and trusted company driver and Rupees left over from a trip of her own from a hairdresser. I was greeted with the kindness of strangers well before I ever touched down in India.
Saying goodbye at the airport was unlike any other farewell I had experienced. My mother’s eyes held tears and a look of hope that perhaps I would laughingly announce I was joking or had changed my mind. I hugged her close and told her I had to start with my own joy if I was going to bring her any happiness at all.
Knowing I was hurting the people I loved was profoundly difficult. After a stopover in Germany, I stood in line to board the plane, surrounded by cheerful Indian families and the swirling sounds of Hindi, I remember feeling overwhelmed and taken with fear. What was I thinking?!
The reality of my chosen route was quickly closing in around me. It took all the courage and faith I had within me to remember the strength of my conviction only hours before. I settled in for the long flight unable to concentrate on a book or even the colorful Bollywood films offered to while away the hours.
I paced the aisles pondering my decision, confronting my fear and questioning my sanity until a cool breeze of reality calmed me – discomfort had arrived. I settled into my seat, fastened my belt, positioned my blanket and let go of any idea of knowing what lay before me.
